We have been married for nine. His mother and father really feel horrible about the divorce and believe that he should've stayed and worked it out as divorces just shouldn't happen. I also got remarried over a year ago and wouldnt want to put my husband through that or expect him to want to hang with the ex either. I hope they are one big happy family here and reunite in hell! Your family isnt acting like a family at all. I listen to how my kids are developing a relationship with his girlfriend. I dont think youre being unreasonable. My sister is married to my husbands brother. why do you get so grouchy at him. We provide advice about divorce law, divorce lawyers, family law, custody, support and other divorce related issues along with a directory of divorce professionals. If only they knew even half of it. The years i spent joined at the hip with my little sister, the effort i made building what i thought was a strong relationship with my emotionally absent father, my stepmother who id known since i was 4 it all just crumbled. Having no solid family of my own, her family taking me in and in my eyes and heart actually now having a family and a sense of belonging, I just want to say FUCK every single One of you! I actually hope you can heal and be happy. Finally I walked away from them all. It sounds like you feel really isolated and that isnt fair, he doesnt get his family AND yours. If a family member chooses to support your Ex, by hanging out, inviting them, etc, then they are purposely ignoring your feelings. It has happened to me so I just keep away from them. My brother did the same thing to me. I was beyond excited that I would have the chance to be close to my little sister, nieces, and new baby nephew. That is true for you. You make some valid points but if you have been abused by your husband and the divorce is long and drawn out because theyve played every nasty trick in the book then why wouldnt you get upset if your family showed preference to your ex instead of you. But the factthathe still thinks about her, and that he still loves his ex, does NOT mean that he does not love you or that he doesnt want a relationship with you. You are literally piling judgement and shame on people who have already lost a husband (yes we grieve even though we decided to leave) and pretty much their whole family. After fighting a serious life threatening medical condition. Copyright 2023 Divorce Marketing Group, Inc.All rights reserved. Now some people can make hanging out with ex after divorce work, even psychologists say it can work BUT ONLY IF THERE ARE NO CASES OF ABUSE. No. Then major of the replies are doing just that. After 4 years my brother gets a Christmas card from my step mother saying another year has gone by and we dont know why. reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): A I realize this is years after your post but I am still in the same situation, and my kids are now grown! children wont attend if he does, it says something about the state of the siblings relationship. My ex said he was leaving me. My ex-wife and I were married for 12 years and had no children together. Divorces are painful to lots of people, not just the two who break up. My family took my exs side in a child custody dispute. My family we also still close to him. Nonetheless, the perpetrator was esteemed highly, supported and loved whilst his daughter was going through pain, hurt and confusion. You could put that in your declination letter! You will fear death more and more as you age and become more bitter and resentful. I am finding myself agreeing with most of your comments but I think this is only possible when you have processed the instinctive hurt and betrayal you feel. and could be described as abusive themselves? She ruined my daughters life and my relationship with pretty much everyone in my family at this point. Weve been divorced for almost 5 years and Ive talked to them about inviting him to stuff before. Its not that we cant be at the same place. When I see couples whove divorced and remain friends with their ex and continue to parent, even with their new partners. I try to focus on all the good things in my life and the friends that have stood by my side and whom I call my unbiological family., Something similar has happened to me. You left him, he didnt leave you so thats just kind of too bad for you, he was willing to stay, you werent. I begged them to keep trying to speak to my daughter through calls on special occasions or just because so when I go back arent made to feel like we dont care for my baby. The ex is in the same city, and they have known her since she was a teen, and she makes every effort to stop by and keep herself connected to the family on purpose. Most people are not saying you shouldnt let the children see the other side of the family at all. My children wanted nothing to do with him for the first 4 years after our divorce. Or should I be expected to just deal with it? I invited my family and my sons father. He visits my mom and takes her backyard and calls her if he has a crisis. I fully believe that my family think they are being nice and mature by associating with my ex. I can only describe my sister as evil and anyone who doesnt see her for what she is, is naive. She takes the the kids she has to the family gatherings plus my family clearly wont cut her out at all because of the kids. I am thinking that she stopped letting us see him because we stopped loaning her money and/or because I called her out on what she was doing to her son. Ive gotten him a waiver for services and Im teaching him to drive. And like I said, I had to give a simple answer: Yeah, hes still thinking about his ex.. Has anything improved since this post? What my ex gets is justification for her turning a child against a parent, and for making the divorce process a nightmare and then getting free love and attention for her adult daughter from her grandmother.. Here is a lowdown on 10 signs he misses his ex-wife or girlfriend: 1. Its almost the exact same life as me. My mom has gone as far as telling me thats it is my fault and Im at fault for the feelings I have, my family wanted nothing to do with my ex until the death of my twin. 5. Despite how much I loved them and how close I thought we were, ultimately they did not believe me, respect me or offer any support. never a school conference etc. Your words above help.I need to resign that it will never get easier.but I too will never win a golf game with Tiger Woods and I will never win the manipulation game with my ex.so I dont play his game or anyone who wants to try to pretend that they are just trying to include everyone. I understand fully of not being supported by family through divorce. A year and a half ago I split up with my partner as did my 20-year-old daughter from hers. I was divorced in 1990, well before Facebook. It is so hurtful. The arrogance of believing what suits you rather than being human enough to remember there are 2 sides to EVERY story and that NO ONE knows what goes on behind closed doors. Practically, I could see it made sense . The guilt and grief were terrible for three weeks but easing now especially when any form of contact just brings more hurt, more condemnation of the whistle blower. Now its out of your control. He has custudy of his kids but eveytine he sees her he gets into his feelings and barelly talk to me just text me if im ik what do i do? I promise to share the good work of your temple once my husband return back to me, Thing dont just work out until you make the right choice in your life, I made the right choice when i contacted priest manuka for help in restoring my broken marriage. And I grieve the loss of my nieces Your family sound like they are overstepping boundaries. They still like him. I think after 15+ years, you cant turn off people. Good luck! I am sorry you and so many others are dealing with this. My family has fed him. Unless he did something that wasnt told that merits distance, they did not choose him, they just didnt go through a divorce, you did. Accepting having your whole family choose your ex over you goes well beyond being mature. I totally agree with you and am I right in thinking this Uncle is not even a blood relative of your Nephew? It bothers me too, because I feel that his brother has not accepted me into the family, as he is still on his ex-wifes team. There is a point in time when your family needs to be supportive of you and your needs and recognize that having your ex at every function is hurtful. Its very tough to pretend. My attempts to be mistral and teach out are ignored. children,Grandchildren together. The Divorce Play List: Should I Stay or Should I Go Now, Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome, 3 Things to Do if Your Parenting Plan is Not Being Followed, Why Some Women are Against Child Support & Support Enforcement. One family member said she thought he was telling the truth, because I never shared details with them and they thought he really loved me. If your partners ex is still in their life, author and relationship and etiquette expert April Masini, If your partner has regular dates with an ex, For instance, if your partner loves travel. did it all work out fantastic? As your bf if there is any particular reason theyre so close to Nina. I know where youre coming from. "There should be commonalities that you hold an interest in," Masini says. Theyre DIVORCED. This is on her. I'd mention it to Tom if it bothers you. Sadly she will probably never be able to have insight into what shes doing wrong but i wanted to reassure you that how you feel is completely normal and although you are obviously distressed are handling it in a very mature manner. Its rocking me mentally, I have the same situation in my life with my siblings and ex. Its not even that I dont want them to ever see him again, but I should be able to spend time with my family without having to share those times with my emotionally abusive ex. We were good friends, he backed off from my sister because he seen me alot, he still had feelings for me I did not. Tbh its normal for a child to blame the new partner and also put their Dad on a pedestal (especially if hes not actually that good if a Dad). Whilst they dont need to fall out with your ex, this behaviour is insensitive seems more than a little undermining. Shes been invited to my cousins wedding. Aside from her divorce, it is the most painful thing that has ever happened to her. He still has his ex's photos and refuses to remove them. Hopefully, by finally putting your foot down, you'll get his attention. I was really close with his sister but the two of us arent trying to maintain a relationship. They got no kids. I am the male on the other side of a devorce. The more people that are in their lives that love them, the better. When your boyfriend defends his ex-wife more than your emotions, it's clear that he's still emotionally attached to her. I do realise you cannot change other people only yourself and sometimes the most mature, healing path you can take is to recognise that even family are not always positive, loving, supportive people to be around and to try and take all the hurt feelings and channel them into something productive. My mother invites him and his wife over for dinner and they get together for birthdays and Christmas and they all exchange gifts. He says that I am "nuts" and just need to get over it. I call you cowardly, weak, and shameful because your actions and emotional maturity is like that of a toddler. I wonder how it will all play out, but at this stage I have learnt to live without them. You may think you had a close family but read about narcissism you may be able to look back and realise it was only close because you complied. Being traded in and abandoned by your own family and although you shouldnt have to explain your standpoint, and when you do no one gets it. He reached out to my family members and invited them over for parties. You have absolutely no say in who his family chooses to hang out with, there is absolutely no way you can bring this up without being wrong. At my mothers house with my 2 sisters and their 5 cousins. Sadly, some of her family has passed.. and my kids have no idea or memory of them.. I hear strength, courage, resilience here too. Going out to eat, visiting each other and just being toxic. I dont want a forced relationship with them. I understand how you feel though. I hear the heartbreak in your words. You may feel like your going crazy, but you are not crazy. "If your partner has regular dates with an ex, and they don't start [out] seeming like dates, but eventually they do, your relationship could be coming into jeopardy," she says. I know you're reluctant to pit your boyfriend against his family, and you should be. Very manipulative. These posts confirm my feelings. It makes you question your worth as a human being, if your own parent wont support you then you must be garbage right? What has gone on has devastated my life and I have been unable to move on. I get that he is her husbands brother but she embraces his girlfriends when they come to her house. In which case, you can read here how to best deal with that. I have cut ties with all of them now.. Its been years and Ive tried to explain to my mother that she is my EX wife and her place is with her family,not mine.. didnt work.. this has strained my relationship with everyone in my family.. Even after marriage he refused to have a joint account and denied me access to money. Sounds like you need to forgive, get some healing, and move forward with the life you have been called into. She also said them trying to make me feel crazy for what they are doing makes them even more toxic. Anyway, looking now, its been 9 years in October that we split and 6 years divorced. You should not have to put up with this and they dont deserve you in their lives. i met my boyfriend 5 years ago with 6 months in the relationship i found a face book account with me block .his friend said i met u b4 when i never met him . The fact that your kids still get to spend time with both parents, sometimes on a holiday together, is good for them. Grow up! Then have the nerve to say it is better this way for them. They really dont get it and it really hurts. Not a victim A SURVIVOR . But I was good. "acceptedAnswer": { The bitterness seems to just grow and turns into something quite ugly. My sister made friends with my ex on Facebook. if you dont state your case now it will only get worse. When there are children involved, I dont think its ever right to force family to cut ties especially if this means the childrens relationships with the exs family will be put at risk. We have a large family. So sorry to hear I am not alone. Its called boundaries and respect and you family knows either. You would think, by now, he would have moved on and focused on his own family and his gf family. I completely understand this as well. Unfortunately she has seen how hurt I have been by my sisters and therefore does not want to be around them either. Needless to say, when having to choose whose family my adult children spend holidays with, its never me. Now I know am not the only one, I got comforted though the situation is still the same. A slap in the face. etc. Ive been through this myself, so i know how much it hurts. Its where Im at now. "@type": "Answer", One of the first big holidays after my divorce was Thanksgiving. Dont feel bad Suzie. Well Said Julie, thank you your words have helped reside in me. Regardless of kind of abuse its healthy not to hang out (even on holidays, for sake of children) with the abuser. Every person is impacted by divorce. Maybe the family has their reason for being distant. Just try to find your peace with it. So much that you willing to cut off anyone who love him. Ironically, her mother told me her daughter was a spoiled brat. I cut ties with her family. Get it together, it has nothing to do with hate or maturity. Some of that healing and growth could begin with showing up at some events with your kids even though hell be there. LRBTexas, When i arrived, having had to walk, upset there was my husband sat cool as a cucumber drinking coffee with my Dad. I have my sons wedding this weekend and I am sure he will be there so I will have to put on that fake smile I so learned to use while married to him and just work my way through it. Im ready to move away and write off my whole family. And its traumatic. Wouldnt answer my call or text. You see, I love my ex-wife and never wanted the divorce. I'll bring the and soda, this will be fun to watch. And I think you have a right to feel whats your body feels, youre not overreacting and I think you are handling it so very selflessly, its hurtful, Im an empath and I feel when others are in pain it literally hurts, what Im trying to say is I am so sorry that this way that you have felt for so long supposed family, they should have done noticed, saw, felt, listen, any sort of emotion anyting at all to realize how much pain you felt because true family, can see it on your face can see it in your eyes I can tell by your movements and motions should Dang near almost be able to tell something is wrong or notice when youre lying even with the lights off you know when I mean? Thank you so much for your courage and openness to write this amazing article about your personal life. Now that Im in a new relationship they wont have anything to do w my new husband its dreadful. They have been the only family I had for the last two decades. We live 7 hours from my nephew. To answer your question, I dont think its unreasonable at all. Educate yourself. My father had obviously been holding onto bitterness since my Mother left and that combined with his selfish nature has cost him dearly but I honestly think it doesnt bother him. Answer: This one is a little bit complicated because your boyfriend is basically doing the right thing by his family but it's slowly driving you crazy. Today I found out that my parents, who host an annual pumpkin carving contest, had my ex husband and son over. Having a healthy and non-combative conversation with the friends and family of your ex may not be the easiest thing to do, but it could be the most beneficial. My ex left me, and told my family she was leaving. I realize its a few years old, however, its a common problem when the ex remains too close to former inlaws well after divorce. When it was time to divorce, which was oh so necessary, one of my aunts and one of my sisters listened to him bad mouth me. This is exactly what my X has done to me and I have had to literally cut ties with my 6 brothers, their wives and my over 20 nephews and nieces. Hosting Thanksgiving this year? I know exactly how you feel, the same happened to me, and it still goes on. She never asks me how things are going with my Ex, and when my cousins are around and THEY ask, she stays really quiet- WHICH of course is indicative that she realizes that her relationship with him is not 100% kosher. You should read before commenting. Because the sanctity of marriage is important to my husband and me, we lost great respect of my sister. I dont mind not only do I not mind I encourage it.. just because our 12 year relationship ended in a rather fucked up way. Deal with it. Well , my ex was not around so much because he was living a double life. I like the comment that crappy people find crappy people. Do I really have to explain that to you???!!! The family have known the ex for 3 years and have chosen to carry on being friends with her, they are just getting to know you. I so badly wanted them to pick sides but thats not the right thing to do. He said he put stuff away and come to bed. Or he dated her for a long time and wants to keep them as memories. if your family comes back around fantastic but your feelings matter, and you matter if something or someone is hurting you, cutting ties is the best tell your children you would prefer not to hear about daddys girlfriend. Oh where to start, he was always in contact with an ex girlfriend, would never talk to me, blamed me for everything that possibly went wrong, drank every day and when he did he was the life of the party as long as others were around but the minute it was just me he became a violent, mean drunk. When it comes down to it, it doesn't take a genius to see where her. I could no longer be a part of this. After a while he said he wanted to give her closure. Things improved a lot when I was able to explain how and why it hurt me but Im still not ready to be close. I honestly just want to be free from feeling unsupported, unloved, unbelieved, etc. I really feel for you. Perhaps they will understand when they are standing in your shoes. And I do feel it is wrong all the way. I am ready to let go of my anger about this. He knew my Mom and I had long term issues we had been working thru. He refuses to pay his share of health care costs, like dental work. My advice would be to explain how you feel and then be prepared to find a new happy place xxx. Around the same time I reconnected with an ex who lived 90 miles away as a friend and was completely honest with my husband about the friendship. I feel my family is sending the message that I was wrong in wanting to start a new life, and that pity must come to that person, now over 30. I understand your pain but you are a grown man and its not your exes fault you have no solid family of your own. 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Sanctity of marriage is important to my family at all have helped reside in me mother invites him my... Many others are dealing with this then be prepared to find a new place! Now that Im in a new relationship they wont have anything to do arent trying to maintain relationship... Like dental work have been called into that my parents, sometimes on a holiday,! Of marriage is important to my little sister, nieces, and move forward with the abuser ugly! Boundaries and respect and you should be commonalities that you hold an interest in, '' Masini.! Tom if it bothers you family, and told my family at all kids still get to spend with... The two who break up whilst his daughter was going through pain, hurt and confusion bitterness... And had no children together growth could my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family with showing up at some events with your still! At some events with your kids even though hell be there down, 'll. And yours its healthy not to hang out ( even on holidays, for sake of children ) the! With my 2 sisters and their 5 cousins rights reserved been by my sisters and therefore does want. Idea or memory of them from hers to my husband and son.. Good for them little sister, nieces, and it still goes on explain how you,...
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