That was smart of you.not giving her information. I too felt sorry for my H b/c I thought his A was over but he was still struggling with us. I so want the outcome you managed to obtain. Its hard to feel joy and I used to have a lot. As far as my own actions are concerned, I do feel Im doing the best I can. OW is driving everything, I can feel it. The CS may get on a slippery slope and then slide all the way in but it their choice to tip toe out on the ledge. Even for business. But I believe that he probably needs to understand, how long you will wait for that to happen. It is in another area about 20-25 minutes away. We even talked about the issues in the M that we would probably cover with MC, if we were to go. There was a distance and coldness that beat me down every night. Who doesnt listen to a butt dial??? And rather than look in the mirror and take responsibility for what he has done he deflects and blames and denies his choices and A. And then I stormed off. Anyway that was kinda the beginning of having real talks but there was a whole lot more to go thru. You can express yourself and vent any way you choise. He had her so upset the other day that she called me and said that my ex is evil and parinoid. For me I did some crazy things that proved to me I was going to be just fine without him. First kine should read sorry not dirty. You are 100%. Two kicks is all it took for the door to open. What I love and appreciate about you (and this is also true of everyone here) is that you see very clearly where the fault lies (with the cheater) and while you are very mindful of the treatment you received yet you are still in your M. Still being loving towards / loyal to your partner. Wish I had the luxury of being a child again! Not at all. It may already be too late. At first I believed it and tried harder (the first 3 months after DDay1) b/c I thought the A was over. Unlike you I didnt have the insight and I made every mistake possible to try and save the M. And I would believe his hollow words and flip flopping back & forth between D and M. I keep hoping as time passes your H will WAKE UP!!! No matter if the marriage ends or continues, there is a drastic change and a break in innocence. I think Ive been in so much shock I have literally been unable to get past the v in that statement. I hope you can see your way out of this nightmare. 2 months of pure anger came pouring out of me. And everyone knows thats not true. Many of these men, will attempt to reconcile, if the new affair (which they almost never leave you, without having one), doesnt work out. Hope things are better in your world since I was last here? Of that I am certain. And, Satori, theyll drag up crap that was insignificant from years ago and try to use it as another rationalization that they arent happy or you did something to hurt them. We deny ourselves Heaven. Make them pay. It is hard to understand and make sense of it all. Your assessment re Hs behaviors is on point. Hedbeen at work for most that day as he did most Saturdays for most our life. I think one point that people dont make the connection, is the belief that people with AS are extremely loyal, cant manipulate, and never lie, none of which is true, and Ive communicated with honest people, with AS, who confirm that. He said it is like climbing Mount Everest. The runaway spouse seamlessly slips into his or her life while the abandoned spouses life has been laid to ruin. She went and sat on our front porch. When I met my H I was very independent, but 15 years with someone does blur boundaries. The daily mission is to keep on top of my emotions. If you do think R is in the table then reach out again to meet. So when he said yes I want to be M to you I believed it. I think this lawyer is going to open up his eyes. I took a sleeping pill last night but it only got me 4 and a half hours. I feels like Im getting there but it is a slow haul. No matter how hard I tried, there was no stopping her. get over it, get on with it, put it behind us and lets sweep this unpleasantness under the rug) is all further victimisation and invalidating in every way possible. When I say I hid under my bed, I almost quite literally did! Yes I get the frustration and anger. My nerves are on code amber on these contact days. He was the one doling out what he wanted me to know. Thank goodness for the internet. I truly think your h is scared and easily influenced by others. And I dont believe your MILs mission was to tell you there would be no R. Im sure her son explained he was scared to or wasnt sure he wanted to. Its getting tricky, but Im hanging in, just trying to do my best. I had a good time as the sux of us are of the same political bend so we had a lively conversation with no one stomping off ???? Even though I fortunately did not have a family at that time, many people do. so he is mad. She kept falling farther into her pit of deceit, lies, infidelity, and bitterness/anger towards me. I have an attorney and my therapist on speed dial shoukd I have even a suspicion or hint if anything I dont like. We are finished. Paid her up front in the spot for a lesser amount. He begged for a 2nd chance so I said I would give it to him only if he signed a post nup. wearing black, covering mirrors, sitting shiva etc. Actually HES the one that needs meds!!! You can have everything.. My CH decided that his plan would be to tell me at the end of the summer what he wanted to do. Its more as a self protective thing now, not to try and fix, educate or problem solve him as such. My first question is regarding her waning affection. Because at any time he can CHOOSE to do the right thing. Not trying to discriminate, but I am in touch of thousands of women, nationwide, dealing with this. This is a wonderful avenue to vent and speak freely about our feelings, hurts, joys, and growth. God Bless your Dad. I think we deserve better treatment by fellow betrayed spouses. I felt he was going to simply slide this OW into the pic as if they met after we split. That includes yours, your H, mine, and my ex. How do I know because this is exactly what worked in my favor. TH is right there is no way around. Not him. I sure hope Satori hasnt been run off from EAJ because of one commenters petty complaint. Thank you for the reading recommendations. There was a purity before the affair. The lack of remorse is tough to process. The most glaring way is that the wayward spouse leaves the family home and cuts all ties with the betrayed spouse and the children. Beautiful bride wearing a white wedding dress running away alone in nature outdoor with leaving a bouquet of flowers and shoes on the street. My brother has an interesting theory that my Hs A is a form of revenge committed by my H on me because he is actually in competition with me and is angry that I am showing hm up in the business, in life generally, and as I have been unwittingly making him feel less about himself, he has cheated to show me. If Im good? That would drive me crazy. They are grasping at straws at this point. I can imagine that if they ever found out, that was the mother-daughter showdown on the century. Ah TryingHard, Looking forward to Part 2 of your crazy. Said nothing about legal. Proof the OW are not positive influences. When I asked him if he was willing to work on the marriage (my final time Im ever going to ask) he said: Her death threw me back into a very deep hole. You have to go through it, theres no way around it, and it sucks big time. Satori deserved every bit of this betrayal, all of it, especially the intense pain since she brought this to our doorstep with her emotionality that we have no interest in. I have two books I want to recommend to you: Resisting Happiness by Matthew Kelly and Everybody Needs to Forgive Somebody by Allen Hunt. i pray for you to find some peace soon and sleep. Actually I took the meme from another blogger I follow. So many people are not that smart during all the mayhem of DDays and discovery. How do they come up with all of these ridiculous lines that are the same? So no I am not apologizing for my salty words. Your H is just a fool who will one day regret all of this. He hired her one month later after meeting her/ A started two months later. Good luck with that. And, I feel (in my case) it was a total disrespect too. But Im gathering thats the typical CS blame game. Ask yourself why he (or she) is such a broken person and why he would behave so misleadingly, deceitfully, cruelly, and heartlessly. They are all the fucking same and really an also ran. Anything so shed leave us the fuck alone. I dont quite frankly care if this thimble mind is a threat to themselves. Save the Date specializes in wedding 'rescues' for last-minute celebrations and dreams gone awryand their latest client couple's nuptial plans are plenty tricky, since the bride suffers from a classic case of 'runaway bride' syndrome which dashed her previous engagements to pieces. There WAS something. Anyone know why one eye cries more tears than the other? O the negative side, he is now saying he does not think R will work BECAUSE he has done so much damage to me, to the M, our intimate relationship etc. He refused any help. I knew something was wrong for that year and half and tried everything in my power to find out what was wrong. H knows it. We go to MC and he swears up and down he wants the M and everything. He is drowning b/c he doesnt have you in his corner anymore. It is no understatement to say that going there saved my life. He told me he is moving to a new apartment next week. So how is it some men have them and some dont? I would push for your lawyer to make some kind of business arrangement so you can at least conduct your business. I did what I did and I cant change it. Let's take a closer look at this: If a woman really loves, all doubts about her beloved should not worry her. It looks like lack of communication, low willingness to change oneself.? Ive been NC with H except for one day a week for the business. I swear I was suicidal. Current mood? Great advice! Two stand out in my mind. Dont ask me why I grabbed it. And it will get heated. D-day #1 (she said the puke worthy and CS crap of ILYBNILWY) and D-day #2 (when I caught her texting at 2 a.m. to her AP) were both land mines. A lot of dancing. Do the best you can to take care of you. In other words, I dont stand up and say My name is SI and my husband had an affair) Tempting at times but no..I havent done that. Seems like your W stayed in your home? And not everyone is capable of such a daily feat. I have sent OW a FIERCE text including letting her know I would seek an injunction / legal recourse if she persists in harassing us. Sitting around waiting for some kind of epiphany from her is NOT going to happen. Scary odd. I look at their actions and any one of these women is around at any time to give relief to the hurting soul. I dont know whether he is typical or just de-volving into the worst kind of person. I used to tell my H if you think you found someone better than me come home and tell me. A quick hello from the wilderness while I have wifi. I remember the case when the bride's family was preparing for the wedding, even vodka had already been purchased for the guests. She coolly replied that my H needed to sort out his issues on his own even though she is scripting his texts to me. Otherwise, nada. It got heated. At DDay2 I was furious and stopped playing the kind supportive wife. Sheesh I think I saw their price per share jump after my personal DDay!! In fact, a suicide would have at least brought some kind of closure in the sense that all of the children would know where their mother was and still have an untarnished image of their mother. Exactly what do you think is going on for me? But no outward signs. If that isnt the Lord speaking to you I dont know what it. I dont know WTF I just received, but it certainly was NOT what I asked for. Thats why I didnt say anything or ask where exactly he was going etc. And when he came home later in the evening, he continued asking my opinion on the purchase and this time I felt like I was dealing with the real him who truly valued my opinion on purchases before he made them. So he is not into a reconciliation he only says it b/c he thinks that what you want or he is scared at the moment. Sarah. Yeah. There were some major explosions from me long time coming BUT we have left the tunnel and I have to say we stuck with each other. Grief is as natural as breathing. God loves you with all of His heart. If he is out as an owner then he stays out. Its not right that hes jeopardizing your business as well as your marriage. He wanted to know if I knew that I would be paying more for my insurance. If she wants to apologize for her actions Ill listen and decide whether she is just full of shit or sincere. Satori- This really sucks. You listen to your red flags. Hope everyone is well and happy? How very true!! (Girl): If you drop me off, I'll get the tickets (Guy): OK, but don't runaway bride me like you did last month. This phenomenon is not gender specific. Or 2-3 months after first few payments. But the reality is the marriage and relationship that we, as the betrayed spouse, believed in, is now gone and something new is taking shape. Contrary to what one might think, Spousal Abandonment Syndrome happens to long-term, stable marriages. If he or she wants to get rid of his syndrome, you can master the techniques yourself that are quite successful in the fight against phobias. WWWhhhaat??? Next, you will get over it when youre damned good, well, and ready. Just putting this out there, because its at play in so many cheating relationships, but unfortunately, most of the wonderful reconciliation techniques, will.not.work. However, if I called her, or messaged her, and SHE failed to respond, it was quite a different standard. When is everything going to be about me? I just am unsure whether this thing has any chance. Yes I had red flags but of course I dismissed them. Regarding MLC my therapist described the recognized pattern for me. Hi TryingHard, And I know no one presumes the film to perform bad. Even if once in a while the cheaters need to be reminded of those boundaries. Satori I could see him bristle. Well sort of. Hes damn lucky I didnt go through the divorce because as I said THAT would have cost him everything!! I dont believe I have ever requested to Doug and Linda how to run their blog. H is now lying to me all the time. Isnt it amazing how everything about d-day is etched in ones mind forever.sort of like its frozen in time. Thank you so much for the article TryingHard! Today is my last day before heading in for anxiety treatment (3 weeks approx) so I am hoping to log in one last time before then, but if not then that s where Im at. Secondly I have done my sums, paperwork and legal but its all just sitting there until I green light that step. When I arrived home and demanded the whereabouts of HER phone, she said it was in her purse, whilst she played with Facebook. All seasons in a ten minute span. 3. The line about befriending grief resonated. Finally, I just said screw it and started living my life. The reasons can be very different. ???????? Then Ill be business emails only and NC going forward. The behaviors you observed in your ex-wife truly ARE narcissistic and probably even sociopathic. And she is a long way away and it might all be seeming too hard now. But there were no options left and D was the only solution. But clearly he doesnt think he has any problems. Its good to laugh and find a little humor in difficult situations. He doesnt care. Our family rules. Three days later he walks in the door and says he wants a D. Will not back down. (Note: he ticks every box on the Covert Narcissist list). Satori Me: How can you not have anything to say or to show me at this point? My change in attitude was like a bucket of water to his face. It was like she, all of a sudden, thought her life was not what shed signed up for. She has shown you that (unfortunately). Needed some support to make sure he could be influenced to get help, see a doctor about it, as he was not listening to me, was argumentative etc. Or at the first sign of challenges or issues that are being faced will he bolt? Were more than fine with that. My siblings and I were expected to perform well and there was not a lot of affection shown towards us. Thats when I got my systemic anti anxiety meds. I had all the financial info on that. And then he decided to go. You dont think hes going to blame himself do you??? No warning, no conversations , nope he was going to leave me to be with her. I think I might go for it having read your version of survival. In our FOO males are the only people who are allowed to hold power, women must know their place and simply breed and bring in money so we can do what we want. It has to be both from what you say, even just to start R let alone for R to be successful. Then suddenly E hooked up with this woman who was chaotic with 4 kids from two previous relationships. He used to do volunteer work with a distress line etc. You will want to, but dont. It was calm. That was a red flag but I cant prove anything. I never thought he would trash it all, M, Life, Me, Us, Future etc. Her alliance is with her son at the end of the day, Her words of hindsight when she said I had a feeling it was cheating came most probably from her personal experience of maybe being cheated on or at the very least knowing people whose spouses have had affairs and acted the way your h is acting. Me: Well, cant we figure this out? It is not my job to make him happy. Sooo glad you made it out (a) in one piece and (b) without felony charges. They just worked together. Second wife just ghosted me from the beauty shopafter 22 years and no warning. Its not harsh or ungodly to demand that our spouses are faithful and truthful. He made us all think he was having a nervous breakdown / depression / illness / Mid Life Crisis. Still a child. Thats the saddest part of this for me. That way I wont get triggered. So one day I woke up and did it. Maybe he is just stubborn and doesnt want to admit he was wrong. Unlike his betrayal. It saved my sanity and I had it for 2+ years. From http://spartanlifecoach.com/covert-narcissistic-abuse-unmasked/. The events I write of were recorded in a family journal, but my great, great-grandmothers perspective on why she did this will never be known. So yeah DDay put a stop to that and most everything else. This is NOT part of my culture or upbringing or marital contractual agreement. And a MC would pop that bubble. Thank you for talking about the possible narcissistic connection because even before I read this article I was beginning to have my hunches that my ex is a narcissist. You can stand up for what is rightfully yours and behave with integrity as wellYou can do this!!! Or you can be a loser and cheat!! Satori Thus, she weathered the insults, the cruelty, and the constant stream of you are a good for nothing from her own mother. Threaten to dissolve the business. It answers the I dont know what to do problem perfectly. They say people become like the 5 people closest to them. Dont hate her just dont like wearing hearing aids all the time. He was gone 3 1/2 months before I put my foot down and really blew. You just cant listen to all the crap hes spewing about being unhappy for years blah blah blah. Your h may be playing a game but hes not very good at it. He is sick and paralyzed with fear. So classic mid life crisis. Ill sleep better, knowing that! Let their good for nothing golden child suckel off them for a while they think hes so great. And it should be remembered that she herself is not without "sin. TryingHard He is running from his adult life job, business and Marriage to become 21 again and have no responsibility. Firwat flchten d'Leit vun der Kroun, wat kann een an dsem Fall beroden. The old marriage is gone forever.. And its not a straight line. Im sorry if some get offended by anything but this is our safe zone. It was the day of the wedding, and I was literally at the altar when I got cold feet. Bottomless grief. My Husband Left Me Then I Discovered the Affair What Do I Do Now? He said he was so confused but knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life. So much grief for her, for you its the worst. E fesootai ma se uiga popole ma masalosalo, pe a ia (ia), ona o ia lava ma vafealoai mafuaaga, ua fefe e faaipoipo. And I suspect one day, when it is too late and you have moved on, he will come crawling back. It is high anxiety having to keep the business together and not fall apart personally. I am feeling more empowered but Im worried if he gets nastier or loses financially it will de-volve. Satori. What we do know is that my great-grandmother grew up to be a very bitter woman who hated men. Hate her! I actually encourage people to vent and to say all of those things they have been holding inside. She held control and power over you. What kind of holiday is this? I admire so many things about you, my dear TryingHard. But there are things we can do to lift the pain somewhat. I applaud your sons loyalty. Who knows. Alright now you are going to laugh at me Trying Hard I really hear you when you say it is such an act of trust to lie down and sleep beside someone. In order for me to completely move on, I need to understand the big picture. Which purely relates to business and domestic tasks that we all have to do but that H wont attend to. I dont know what that is right now. Sometimes I would go for a drive and just scream and swear and cry and swear so more. Thats hilarious and evokes school again, which is what it all felt like. More, perhaps, to the relatives of the bride and groom, who spent so much effort and money in a failed wedding. Nailed it TFW. I said really 36 years and I get a handshake? So glad you had some time to get away from it all. So far H hasnt committed to meeting up (I will let you know how Im tracking). I did not need meds but maybe you do for anxiety and PTSD etc. I am laser-focused on sorting out the financial side so that at least is more stable. Shed go to bed and Id follow later. I still have to remember Know this.you are in no way responsible for your husbands choices. Regardless, its the supportive message that is important and that is what you get here, support. It is his oen family. When the treat is not offered the dog gets agitated. I dint know anything about Australian divorce. TH is right on blood is thicker than water. Lean on the those that love you and are trustworthy. So I called him on it. You need to show me that you want this (the M) above anything. So I know what you mean about sitting at Christmas dinner with that on your mind. Satori If shes still involved with another man she is giving him all her emotional attachment. And I suggest find a female as well. H said we were drifting apart. The selfish version of who he has become is extremely hard to love. Its not just that he is incapable of feeling love for me, if I tell him I love him or say nice stuff about him, he gets a look on his face like he is constipated and someone stuffed a lemon in his mouth at the same time. Runaway Bride The director Gary Marshall, I think, didn't see this coming. In the past, I read that most mens worst fear is ending up alone. Thanks theFirstWife & ShiftingImpressions. Subscribe to iDiva & get never miss out on the latest trends! I was only on it for about a year. Finally, at the very last moment, the decision not to compromise on love is taken. LOL. Or loosing a child must be absolutely excruciating. I guess I pay attention to the message and not the semantics of the message. According to the BBC, Jennifer Wilbanks sold the media rights to her story to a New York City company for $500,000. Such bullshit. Im glad you had a mantra. Your groom is probably. He is having a bad day and its your fault!!! He might need to put some more space and distance away from the A to make it all ok again and as TFW says it has to be his idea to R. ShiftingImps, I already said Postnup and MC are my conditions, he became angry when I said that. The screenplay, written by Sara Parriott and Josann McGibbon, is about a reporter (Gere) that is assigned to write a story about a woman (Roberts) who has left a string of fiancs at the altar. Cant save everyone. My SIL with whom he lived was my strongest ally. Theres no users manual for this affair crap. I played dumb and said I was just sitting still honouring my marriage vows, trying to cope with a lot of cruel treatment but that there was a small window of forgiveness but that it involved massive action by H. A pathway existed to R but he had to put in huge actions to show true remorse and it had to happen very soon but that at some point Id have to protect myself too. Not interested. But first you have to settle the score with the past and say TootleLooMotherFucker (yes Im quoting Hangover here. Do not expect ANY help from them. If not maybe you need to contact his family and friends to find out what is going on. Maybe that is why he acts the way he does. And forgive yourself. And sometimes just dont answer him when he calls or texts. Just live right now and just be yourself. If you seriously think about it, such thoughts can appear in a dream. I woke up this morning and thought, thats it, Im out. That will take time to recover from and, sadly, I dont think my wife understands the damage she created. Lucy Score (Goodreads Author) (shelved 12 times as runaway-bride) avg rating 4.28 210,691 ratings published 2022. Accept the unknown. No one has any way of knowing. Two suggestions: one is to get counseling for you to come to terms with the M or S or D or whatever is going on. Not sure how but she does. Until I found my anger. I also stated that I deserve a lot more than what he thinks I should have. This is what a runaway spouse scenario looks like. I wish you the best. His new narrative is that I do nothing. You have offered grace. And yes the fact that we can laugh about it..well, thats just the best. And really did you honestly expect anything different from them? Jennifer Wilbanks, the infamous runaway bride who sparked a police hunt and media attention in 2005 when she lied about being abducted in order to escape her wedding day, explained her behavior by saying: "I was running away. If OW is still in the picture then he is clearly thinking of his financial consequences mostly. She is having her cake and eating it too as they say in cheaterworld! You did nothing to cause your spouse to leave. But then I remembered supposedly the affair he had in his 30s was called a mid life crisis. Of course your husband is worried that you will have him on lock down and that you will never trust him again. I meet my H in my 20s. Im almost past caring what he is saying to his FOO. I was like: why should I consider going to MC with you now, just because youre about to lose financially? And I have a feeling that this is a very big urge he has to stuff down because well, hes a big chicken right now!!! He did. This is frequently a part of the covert narcissists fantasy:the misunderstood but kind, caring genius/ guru that the foolish world cruelly victimises. Its like Jekyll and Hyde one day the spouse is the person you have known for years and then you wake up and dont even recognize this person. Not only have you have not responded in kind, but your assertions regarding the decisions you assume others have made for me and your superior tone and condescending attitude towards me are unfathomable. As far as I know, he was cheating on me for at least 3 of our 10 years together. Actually to both him and her. ), sell assets and well, pay him out. Hes getting his reality check and Im thinking he doesnt like it. He can drift along all he wants and cause upheaval and chaos in his own life. It doesnt feel positive at all. Especially since the affair had been going on for almost 4 years!!! They instantly distance and you can practically smell the fear. You see affairs only work and are worth it when its a secret. Actually he was inspired by my h to leave his wife. Things are pretty good but as you can tell I have NOT forgotten anything and I know I never will. First, what your fianc did was nasty, selfish, and loathsome. Help me. And I call bullshit on her assessments! Panic attacks are still daily but they are calming down a bit quicker. I know what it feels like. Hang in there and know that you arent alone. 50-50! Ive been too good to them. Not coincidentally, as I write this, I have a headache. At this point you can only speculate regarding your husbands motives etc. Amazing. So so difficult. There was no premeditation to my actions. Pure ugliness ensued. LOL I keep thinking about her too Im hoping shes having a good time. To give you an opportunity to not let him take advantage of you and business. This is a long haul no matter which direction it goes. The bride or groom has no idea that they need to run headlong from under the aisle. Well THAT was the wrong answer and I picked up a golf club. Absolutely all newlyweds are subject to such excitement (men are no exception!). I speak to counselor. Most men dont announce that shit to their mothers. No other words to describe it. And was then resentful and mean etc while you worked on the M. Mine is all of that at a distance while we are running our business. Whatever happened on that trip (and shortly before it when you picked up on things) well I doubt the outcome would be different unless you convinced him to see a Dr for his illness and everything else. And that is a very toxic environment. What was it like when he returned? Screw him. What the hell?! It doesnt mean I accept the relationship with OW anymore than you do, but I understand why it is going on and I do have reasons to believe it is unlikely to last. Her post was hurtful, petty, insensitive, passive aggressive, immature and mostly brought nothing to the conversation of supporting people who are hurting. They began a torrid highly charged sexual A. Vikki Stark tells the story in the beginning of her book about the moment she found out her husband of twenty-plus years was leaving.
